


The Walmart Disaster

by science_and_chex_mix



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies)
Genre: Gen, How Do I Tag, Human Disaster Tony Stark, Humor, I seriously don't know, Precious Peter Parker, Shopping, Tony Stark Acting as Peter Parker's Parental Figure, irondad and his spiderson, no beta we die like men, this is almost crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-01
Updated: 2020-08-01
Packaged: 2021-03-05 22:49:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,049
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25643074
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/science_and_chex_mix/pseuds/science_and_chex_mix
Summary: "Mr. Stark, you really didn't have to do this," Peter said as he pushed the cart through the Walmart aisles."I wanted to, kid." Tony picked up a pack of Ticonderoga pencils. "This is the best brand of pencil here, right? You're not getting any crappy, generic pencils if I have anything to say about it.""I'm fine with off-brand school supplies, Mr. Stark!" Peter protested, trying and failing to grab the Ticonderogas out of his mentor's hands. "Seriously, I am. It's what I get every year.""Not this year," Mr. Stark said, grabbing two more boxes and dropping them in the cart.Peter put his face in his hands. This was not going well.aka: Tony, a human disaster, takes Peter, another human disaster, school supplies shopping.
Relationships: Peter Parker & Tony Stark
Comments: 23
Kudos: 179





	The Walmart Disaster

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fanfic ever! Yay!! Constructive criticism is appreciated!

"Mr. Stark, you really didn't have to do this," Peter said as he pushed the cart through the Walmart aisles.

"I wanted to, kid." Tony picked up a pack of Ticonderoga pencils. "This is the best brand of pencil here, right? You're not getting any crappy, generic pencils if I have anything to say about it."

"I'm fine with off-brand school supplies, Mr. Stark!" Peter protested, trying and failing to grab the Ticonderogas out of his mentor's hands. "Seriously, I am. It's what I get every year."

"Not this year," Mr. Stark said, grabbing two more boxes and dropping them in the cart.

Peter put his face in his hands. This was not going well.

*** ***

When Aunt May got a job promotion, Peter was thrilled. However, the promotion meant she had to work longer hours, and the time she had off was best used for rest. The two realized only a week and a half before school was meant to start that they hadn't gone back-to-school shopping. May was going to be working almost non-stop for the rest of the summer and wouldn't have time to take Peter out- so she called Tony.

"I'm still not sure I like you," she had said on the phone, "but I can't take him shopping, and he's grown out of all his clothes. He's taking all honors classes this year and needs extra stuff, and school is coming up fast. I know you’re probably busy, but if you could just spare a few hours, I’d really appreciate-”

“Of course I’ll take him, May,” Tony had answered. “I’m not letting our favorite spider-child start his junior year of high school without any school supplies. Don’t worry, I don’t have anything important this week to do- does Wednesday sound alright to you?"  
And that is why Peter found himself in the back-to-school section of Walmart with Tony Stark on a Wednesday morning.

"Let's see, what else do you need?" Tony muttered, squinting at the supply list Peter had printed out and given him. "Blunt-edged scissors. What is this, a daycare? You're fifteen, not five. You can have sharp scissors."

"But the list says-"

"I know what the list says," Tony said, "but I've suddenly decided I can't read. Fiskar's a good brand, right?"

Peter sighed. "Yeah."

This'll all be over soon, and then I can go to school pretending they were out of the safety scissors.

Oh, how wrong he was.

*** ***

"Eleven Kleenex boxes? Why do they need so many?” Tony peered down at the list in confusion. “Is everyone there sick? Should I be concerned? Should I donate?"

Peter sighed. "We don't have to get all eleven if you think that's too much. I'm sure my teachers won't miss them."

"No! Never!" Tony cried, grabbing all the boxes he could carry and dumping them in the cart. "Just because I think it's ridiculous doesn't mean I'm gonna skimp!"

*** ***

"They're out of yellow folders with brads," Peter told Tony from the next aisle.

"What?" Tony walked over to the teen and surveyed the shelves. "Those ones don't have brads?" He picked up one of the few yellow folders remaining and opened it to check inside.

"Nope," Peter replied, popping the "p".

Tony frowned and put the folder back. "Curse you, Walmart!"

*** ***

“Sixteen ounce hand sanitizer…” Tony muttered as he pushed the half-full cart through the cleaning supplies aisle. “Where the heck is that?”

“There’s hand sanitizer right there,” Peter said, pointing towards the end of the aisle.  
“Yes! There it- no, that’s not right.” Tony picked up a small bottle of hand sanitizer and read the label. “This is eight ounces. The list says sixteen.”

The two looked through the whole aisle but couldn’t find a sixteen ounce bottle of hand sanitizer.  
“Would buying two eight-ounce bottles count?” Peter asked.

“Wait, I’ve got one!” Tony cried, holding out a bottle he had found at the back of the shelf, hidden behind other types of hand sanitizer.”

“Okay, check,” Peter said, pulling out a pen and grabbing the list from the cart. He clicked the pen and moved to cross out the hand sanitizer when he groaned. “It says it has to be a hand pump.”

“What?” Tony’s eyes darted back and forth between Peter and the bottle of sanitizer that was obviously not a hand pump. “Crap.”

*** ***

“The next thing on the list is...manilla paper,” Tony said as Peter set a pack of ballpoint pens into the cart. “I didn’t know high schoolers still used that. Are you taking art or something? What class needs manilla paper?”

Peter snorted. “You mean vanilla paper?”

Tony raised an eyebrow. “No. Manilla paper.”

Peter frowned in confusion. “What’s manilla paper?”

Tony walked into the next aisle and came back with a 100-sheet pack of the buff-colored paper. “Here you go.”

“But that’s vanilla paper!”

Tony looked at the label. “Kid, I’m pretty sure it says manilla paper. I’m not going blind yet.”  
Peter grabbed the paper out of his mentor’s hand and gaped at the label. “But...but I thought...what?”

“You’ve seriously gone through eleven years of school thinking that this was called vanilla paper?” Tony laughed.

Peter’s face burned. “It’s not my fault the words sound so similar! Also, it made sense, because of the...color.” His face got redder and redder as he tried to defend himself.

Tony shook his head. “Kid, you’re the dumbest genius kid I’ve ever met, and I’m including myself.”

“I don’t know if that’s a compliment or insult.”

“Just put the paper in the cart, kid.”

*** ***

"Ma'am, excuse me, ma'am!" Tony rushed over to a black-haired woman who was pushing a cart full of school supplies down the aisle next to them, a young girl trailing behind.

The woman stopped and turned. "Can I help you?"

He pointed to her cart. "Does that yellow folder have brads?"

The woman slowly nodded. "Yes…"

Tony grinned. "I will literally pay you two hundred dollars for that folder."

"Mr. Stark, no!" Peter shouted, walking up beside him.

Tony pulled out his wallet. "Mr. Stark, yes!"

*** ***

“Aha!” Peter exclaimed, “I found a sixteen ounce sanitizer hand pump!” He held it up proudly.

Tony frowned. “Why was it in the shoe aisle?”

Peter looked around to see if there was a hand sanitizer display and, not seeing one, shrugged. “I have absolutely no idea. But at least we have the right hand sanitizer!”

“Put it in the cart and check it off, kid.”

Peter carefully set the hand pump down and reached in his back pocket for the supply list.  
He froze.

“Uh...where’s the list?”

*** ***

“How did you lose the list?” Tony asked as the two speed-walked back towards the front of the store, Tony dragging the cart behind him.

“I don’t know! It was in my pocket most of the time!” Peter said, his eyes scanning the floor for the list frantically.

“‘Most of the time’?” Tony asked. “Did you set it down somewhere?”

“Yeah,” Peter confirmed, “in the cart!”

“That doesn’t help at all!”

*** ***

“You know what, we don’t need the list,” Tony said, putting a hand on Peter’s shoulder. “We’ve been looking for half an hour- I don’t think we’re gonna find it.”

Peter sighed. “You’re right. We should just- oh my gosh, it’s right there!” He pointed to a man pushing a cart right behind Tony.

“Where?” Tony turned around and spotted the list, wedged between a large package of toilet paper and the bottom of the shopping cart. “Oh. Of course. Right underneath the toilet paper.”

“I’ll get it,” Peter said, bounding over to the man pushing the cart towards the checkout line. “Hey! Hey, sir, I’m sorry to bother you, but my school supplies list is in your cart- I don’t know how it got there, I must have dropped it somewhere and it attached to your cart- anyways, can you stop for just a second so I can grab it? I’m really sorry, sir, I don’t know how the list got there-”

“Kid!” Tony, who was trailing behind the two, snapped Peter out of his ramblings. “He can’t hear you!”

“What? He can’t…” Peter looked at the man, who was still pushing his cart, oblivious to Peter’s dilemma, and his jaw dropped.

“Oh. Oh my gosh,” Peter muttered. “He-he’s got Airpods in! He can’t hear us! Oh my gosh.” He shook his head. “When did memes start applying to my life?”

“Peter, just- nevermind, I’ll do it,” Tony said, briskly walking past Peter and to the self-checkout the man had arrived at while Peter was having an existential crisis.

The billionaire tapped the man on the shoulder and waited before the man had made eye contact with him and taken out his Airpods before speaking.

“Sir, I need to grab a list that is stuck to your toilet paper, it’ll be just-”

“It’s my toilet paper, don’t take it,” the man said, glaring at Tony.

“Wh-no, I just need to-”

The man raised a finger at Tony. “If you take my toilet paper, I’ll call the authorities, I’m warning you.”

“But I’m not-”

The man put his Airpods back in and continued scanning his groceries.

Tony backed slowly out of the line.

“What was that you were saying, Mr. Stark?” Peter asked airily, walking up to stand beside him. “You’ll do it?”

“Oh, shut up,” Tony grumbled. “You didn’t do any better.”

“How are we gonna get the list now?” Peter asked. “He said not to touch the toilet paper.”

Tony rolled his eyes. “He said not to take the toilet paper. And I won’t! I’ll just grab the list real fast.” He cracked his knuckles. “Watch and learn, kid.”

Before Peter could protest, Tony dashed over to where the man was just about to finish scanning and bagging his groceries and placed a hand on the toilet paper…just as the man bent down to grab it.

The two men turned their heads to each other in what seemed to Peter like slow motion. Their eyes widened.

The man yanked his one of his Airpods out with his free hand. “Security!” he yelled. “This man is stealing my toilet paper!”

“I’m not stealing your freaking toilet paper!” Tony shouted. “I just need to grab my list! It was stuck to your toilet paper! See-” Tony looked down at the package where the list should’ve been and immediately stopped. “What? It was right here! It was right here!”

“Sir, I’m gonna have to ask you to let go of the toilet paper,” a cashier who had come over to see what the problem was told him.

“No!” Tony said. He yanked the toilet paper out of the man’s hands and turned it over. “It’s got to be here somewhere,” he muttered.

“You’re just gonna let him take my toilet paper?” the man asked, his face red. “I’m gonna give this place a bad review.”

“I don’t think a bad review’s going to hurt Walmart, buddy,” a bystander called back.  
“Where the heck is that list?” Tony said.

“Mr. Stark, we can just print a new list- it doesn’t really matter,” Peter pleaded.

“Is that Tony Stark?"

"I want my toilet paper!"

"It was just here!"

"Enough!"

*** ***

"I can't believe you got us kicked out of Walmart," Peter grumbled from the backseat of the car.

"It wasn't my fault," Tony protested beside him. "It was that crazy man with the fake Airpods!"

"They were fake?"

"Tony, if I know anything about you, it's that it's always your fault," Happy said.

Tony hmmmphed and crossed his arms.

“What are we gonna do now?” Peter asked. “We didn’t get to buy any supplies! And I’m not sure I trust you in Target. Or any store for that matter.”

“You ever heard of online shopping, kid?”

*** ***

“Hey, Mr. Stark, you’re in the news!”

“I’m always in the news, kid, what is it this time?” Tony turned around from where he was standing in the lab to see Peter scrolling on his phone.

“‘Tony Stark Caught Stealing Toilet Paper from Citizen in Local Walmart’,” Peter read, grinning. “This Wednesday, Mr. Gabriel Smith was shopping for needed supplies-”

“Oh, give me that!”

“-and was in the process of paying for his items when Tony Stark reportedly grabbed his toilet paper-”

“Peter!”

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I have no idea how Walmart in New York works. I've seen pictures of a two-story Walmart that is apparently in upstate New York but I don't know what that's like??? I'm just a Texan child???? So sorry if this is nothing like school shopping in New York XD  
> Also, I don't like to write swears in my stories, so if the characters seem like they're swearing like kindergarteners, I'm sorry, but not really.  
> Find me on tumblr [here!](https://science-and-chex-mix.tumblr.com/)


End file.
